In every Indian household, there’s one unshakable truth: No matter where they’re from, no matter how progressive they claim to be, every Indian auntie has a favourite Khan.
Yes, you heard that right. The “Khans” of Bollywood – Shah Rukh, Salman and Aamir – are the holy trinity of cinema for aunties across the Indian diaspora. While they might politely debate politics or swap recipes over chai, bring up the Khans and you’ll see a side of them you never knew existed.
Shah Rukh squad: Lovers of romance and drama
First, we have the Shah Rukh auntie. Usually from North India, let’s say, someone like Mrs Bhalla who hails from Delhi. Now, Mrs Bhalla has been a Shah Rukh devotee since Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge graced the silver screen in 1995. And why not? After all, Shah Rukh’s charm could melt butter faster than a Delhi heatwave.
For Mrs Bhalla, Shah Rukh, 58, isn’t just an actor – he’s a lifestyle.
“He’s so sensitive,” she swoons during kitty parties, as she recounts – for the 87th time – the moment Shah Rukh stretched out his arms in the mustard fields, singing “Tujhe dekha toh.”
The other aunties roll their eyes, but deep down, they too have dreamt of dancing in Switzerland with a dimpled SRK.
As soon as Mrs Bhalla looks away, her friend Mrs Patel mumbles: “Sensitive? She means soppy. How many times can he cry in one film?”
Salman sisterhood: Tough love, muscle and machismo
For those like the aforementioned Mrs Patel, who hails from Gujarat, Salman Khan isn’t just a superstar – he’s a being sent from above, draped in leather jackets and muscles. She’ll also tell you that his movies aren’t just about entertainment – they’re about values.
“Salman has such a big heart,” she’ll say referring to his regular charity work.
“And have you seen his action scenes? Those muscles!
Her love for the 58-year-old actor is practical. “Beta,” she advises her nieces. “If you need a man, find someone like Salman. He’ll always be ready to fight for you.”
Of course, she leaves out the fact that he’s often shirtless for 90 per cent of the movie, but that’s beside the point. “Salman is about protection and strength.”
And don’t even think about mentioning the man’s litany of controversies – Mrs Patel is quick to brush those aside with: “People are jealous of his success.”
As her friend, Mrs Menon, pretends to adjust her sari, she mutters under her breath, “Charity work? She means shirtless show-offs. I doubt he could even string a sentence together.”
Aamir admirers: Lovers of intelligence and perfection
Finally, we have the Aamir Khan Auntie, personified by Mrs Menon from Kerala.
Now, Mrs Menon isn’t easily swayed by action or romance; she’s a practical woman, deeply rooted in intellect and academia. So naturally, she’s drawn to Aamir’s reputation for perfectionism and meaningful cinema.
While her peers are swooning over SRK’s dimpled smiles or Salman’s bulging biceps, Mrs Menon will sip her filter coffee and ask: “But does he have range? Does he do films with meaning?”
For her, it’s not about a shirtless hero running in slow motion. It’s about the depth of the storyline, the emotion and the moral takeaway. “You watch an Aamir Khan film, and you leave changed,” she declares while organising her collection of DVDs that include Lagaan and Taare Zameen Par.
Mrs Menon loves reminding everyone that Aamir is an intellectual Khan. “He doesn’t do fluff,” she’ll say proudly.
Meanwhile, Mrs Bhalla rolls her eyes and whispers to Mrs Patel: “She says intellectual – what she means is boring. I’d rather watch paint dry than sit through Lagaan again.”
The great debate: Which Khan is king?
Entertainment (and chaos) ensue when these aunties get together. Picture it: a family function, everyone’s relaxed after a meal of biryani and jalebis. Suddenly, someone casually asks: “Did you see Shah Rukh’s latest film?”
Mrs Bhalla’s eyes light up like Deepavali lamps. “Of course! Did you see how he cried during that scene with the violin? I was sobbing with every note of that instrument. He’s so versatile.”
Mrs Patel is quick to interject. “His fight sequences were really lame.Trying to look macho by wearing a ponytail. Salman does his own fights like Tom Cruise. Shah Rukh is old with a bad back; stuntmen do his stunts for him!”
Mrs Menon, in a calm but firm voice, adds: “But is it cinema? Action is fine, but Aamir challenges you. He makes you question society. What are we learning from Salman’s fights or Shah Rukh’s love stories?”
And so it goes, back and forth. No minds are changed, but it’s a spirited debate that continues well into the night.
A Khan for every auntie
In the end, every Indian auntie has her favourite Khan, and nothing can sway her opinion. Whether it’s Shah Rukh’s romance, Salman’s action or Aamir’s perfectionism, each of them holds a special place in their hearts. And perhaps that’s the essence and magic of Bollywood.
So the next time you overhear a group of aunties passionately discussing their favourite stars, just sit back, grab some popcorn and enjoy the show. After all, in the world of Indian cinema, there’s a Khan for everyone.
