Op-ed: What Americans Should Learn From Indians

Americans can learn a lot from Indians. I’m not talking about how they play “cricket” with a stick and no wickets and call this tournament that’s played only in America a “world series”.

Or their obdurate use of the Fahrenheit scale. Or, despite being bestowed the best country code, 1, never mentioning it when giving you their telephone number.

I’m talking about their lack of social etiquette. Americans never tell people how they look. Indians, on the contrary, almost always do.

For example, many years ago, when I was balding at a decent clip, not one of my American colleagues pointed this out to me. Luckily, I was mingling with many Indians, so I was always kept abreast about my diminishing hairline. 

Friends I had not met for some time would greet me with: “Good to see you, Paddy. Do you know you’re losing hair?” 

Friends I met regularly would provide a quick update: “Hi, Paddy, you’re thinning even more at the top these days.” 

When I visited my mother in Chennai, she’d hug me with a quick “You’ve lost more hair” and expand on this topic during my stay, informing relatives and friends – in person and on the phone – about my penchant for shedding follicles. 

I shudder to imagine being posted in America during this period: I would have gone from hirsute to smooth-pated in shameful ignorance.

Here’s another example: My son has a subtle quality, which, if he were born and bred in America, he may never have known about: he is 6 feet 5 inches (1.95m) tall.

Luckily, he grew up in India. Without exception, every Indian he has met has immediately apprised him about this state of affairs: “Hey, you’re very tall.”

We Indians don’t just keep you abreast of your physical characteristics; we provide free advice on what to do.

For example, I’ve been advised to apply esoteric oils on my head, get it massaged twice a week, and even to stand on it regularly. (The last is apparently intended to leverage gravity to drive blood to the head, but I’ve always been sceptical: the soles of our feet are not hairy, are they?)

Similarly, once they inform my son about his height, all Indians, without fail, 100 per cent of the time, ask him if he plays basketball. And when they learn he doesn’t, they get over their disappointment quickly and urge him to start.

Some take the trouble to explain why, employing a paper napkin and pen to illustrate: “The hoop is 10 feet above the ground. You’re 6 feet 5 inches tall. Add 2½ feet for your arms… and voila!” 

So, Americans, learn from us. Here are five simple appearance-based observations you should make to people you meet: 

1. If you meet a balding man - whether he’s a close friend, distant cousin or total stranger - please let him know this. The earlier you do it (“I see you’ve lost a few hairs in the front of your scalp since we met last year”), the more you boost their self-awareness and confidence.

2. If you meet a tall person, consider it a duty to tell them they’re tall.

3. If someone is wearing glasses for the first time, mention it. Otherwise, they’ll think you don’t care about them. 

4. As a corollary to number 3, if you think they need glasses, let them know immediately; for example: “If you bring the menu any closer to your face, your nose may poke a hole in it. You should get reading glasses.” 

5. If someone is looking aged, don’t keep them in the dark. And if you’re not sure, ask! Sometimes the answer to a simple “How old are you?” can guide you to a pinpointed observation, such as, “Only 52?! You look closer to 67!”, which is so much more helpful than the generic, “You look old”.

I hope Americans will read this article and start mending their ways, but realistically, many may not. So I request you, as a helpful Indian, to read it out when you meet them. Paste a copy on your office bulletin board. Share it via your condo app. Do your bit to make the world a better place.

Paddy Rangappa, an ex-CEO, is a humour writer, co-host of the podcast Jest Business, and corporate coach on humour for leaders (www.jestbusiness.com)